Month: August 2004

fredc

Thought Patterns

Welcome to Thought Patterns. Decipher if there is a pattern in my very chaotic mind.

Original address: http://www.frederickcalica.com/thoughtpatterns/2004/08/01/1/

fredc

Panic attack

I cannot confirm if what has affected me since I was a child is a panic attack.

According to a Wikipedia article:

A panic attack is a period of intense fear or discomfort, typically with an abrupt onset and usually lasting no more than 30 minutes. Symptoms include trembling, shortness of breath and sensations of choking or smothering. The disorder is strikingly different from other types of anxiety in that panic attacks are very sudden, appear to be unprovoked, and are often disabling. [Wikipedia]

 

I am unsure because I did not ask my doctor about it.

I can still remember an episode when I was still in elementary school. It was a school night, and I was ready to bed. Then suddenly, I just remembered that I was knocking at my parents’ bedroom door, saying something that didn’t make sense. I was very pale. My heart beats very fast. I feel like I am panicking, although I don’t remember why. I was then accompanied to my bedroom by my mom. She tried to calm me down. Then I fell asleep. We then talked about it the following day, but all I told her was all I did, said, and felt did not make sense. More episodes like this happened, sometimes spaced by a few days, then turned to a few weeks, then to months. It has been a year that I have not experienced it.

Since high school, I can now sense I was having a panic attack. Although I can clear my thoughts during the attack, my heart beats fast, and I still feel like panicking (like moving or walking very fast to the point of running). I sit in a corner and distract myself by concentrating on something and drinking something hot (all my feelings and thoughts focus on the hot drink rather than the attack).

I just wished that if I ever had this attack again, it would not disable me in any way.

Original address: http://www.frederickcalica.com/thoughtpatterns/2004/08/02/2/

fredc

Silence For My Questions

This is a micro-story that I wrote way back in 2001. During that time, I got so stressed with work and decided to write down something. And the short short story was born. After that time, I didn’t write another one, and this story was not even edited. That serves as a warning.

A friend who read this story asked me if this is autobiographical. All I can answer is… I just wrote it. Period.

Silence For My Questions
by bluemask2099

I don’t know what to feel today. I don’t know, but the wind that always greet me when I sit down on my favorite part of the beach is different today. The rays of the sun that fall on my skin seems like they are just getting to know me. At the back of my mind I said, “This is not an ordinary day.”

I usually come to this part of the beach, under the shade of the camachile tree behind the lush talahib grass, an hour or so before the sun sets. I usually come here to meditate, think of the week’s events, hoping to find answers to my questions before a new week begins. But today, I feel different.

When I sat down under my tree, my cellphone beeped a familiar sound. I just received a message from my friend and former classmate Lyn.

“What is the best news that you want you hear?”

That is a tough one, I thought. It took me some time before I formulated a response. Then I sent my reply.

“I am the Prince of England or Sally will come to meet me today.”

I chuckled. I know that any of these is not possible. I know Sally forgot about me already.

Then after a few seconds, Lyn’s reply got through my cellphone.

“YES.”

I dropped my cellphone on the sand. “I don’t believe it,” my mind shouted as if it has its own voice. I know Lyn very well. I know if she is just kidding or getting serious. When it comes to Sally, she is not kidding for she was Sally’s best friend.

For many years that already passed, I lost track already, back when I was in high school, I meet her. She was just an ordinary girl and, back then, I was just an ordinary boy. I was still too boyish at that time. And Sally, she was becomming a young lady. My immaturity was evident that I used to tease here with almost every guy in our class. Every guy, except me.

Then it hit me. Real hard. I realized what I was doing to her is wrong. I then tried to avoid her. I walk the other way when she is approching. I might to some other thing or just walk away when she is around. Soon, Lyn, then Sally’s best friend, approched me and said, “I noticed that you changed and ignoring Sally. Almost everytime.” And then she asked, “Do you have a crush on Sally?”

I neither admit it nor denied it.

I changed again. From ignoring her to almost stalking her. I got this desire to know what she wants, what she hates, what she loves. But my shyness came in an unopportune time. It might have been better that I go to her and just ask the bunch of questions that are popping inside my head. But then I was too shy. Then came the time when my actions, my ways and everything changed. I was becoming a young man.

After days of meditation along the beach, I came to the decide that I must overcome my shyness and tell Sally the truth. To tell her how I feel towards her and to ask her the questions that I was dying to hear her answers.

The next day, bad new came. She was not in class. Lyn came over to my seat and said. “I have something to tell you. Sally is transfering to her old school. Her parents are already together and they want her to stay with them again. Sally, stayed with her brother during the time that her parents are fighting. I just want to let you know.” She returned to her seat.

Third period, she came to our class, not in her school uniform. She asked our teacher if she could say something to the class. Her permission was granted. She then said thanks for the memories and the time she spent with the whole class and she said that she would miss us. She then spoke to her close friends to personally thank them. Of course, I was not on her list.

I feel very bad as if all the stars fell down and crushed me to bits. I turned to Lyn’s direction, she was whispering something but I can’t make sense out of it. She just then came to my side and whispered, “Tell her now!” I froze. Suddenly I feel nothing. I don’t know what to say. I know that if I didn’t told her now, I will lost her forver. But this is not how it must be!

I was still feeling numb when she walk out of the room. Then our teacher said us, “If anyone want to say something to Sally right now, I will let you go out and follow her.” That is my cue. I immediately stood up and followed her outside. After I stepped out of the room I heard someone said, “Yes!” I also heard, “You can do it!”, “Tell her!”, “That explains things!”

At the hallway, I called her name. She stopped and looked at my direction. I catched up. She gave me a smile, a smile as radiant as the sunshine. I catched my breath and I also smiled.

“Sally,” I started, “I am sorry for all what I said and done to you.”

“I forgive you. I’m already okay,” she said.

“I also want you to know that I like you,” I said, feeling very awkward. “Very much. I kept this feeling for so long now,” I added. “I also want to know, what do you feel for me too?” I asked.

She smiled again. She didn’t said a word.

“Well, can we just be more that friends?” I asked.

“You are not yet ready,” Sally said.

“I am ready. Please say something!” I pleaded.

“It’s not yet the right time,” she continued.

“When will be the right time? You might forget about me.”

“Time will tell. And when the time comes, I will answer all your questions.”

“I will remember… I will wait for you.” That was my last words.

“Bye, and see you…” That was what last I heard from her.

Days, months, and years passed me by. Sure, I dated other girls. I did had a girlfriend. I know that me and Sally will never become more than friends because I heard that she already have a boyfriend.

For years, I feel like I still have a hole inside me. I guess what keeping me half empty is the fact that some questions inside is not yet answered. Once, those voices are silenced, I may become whole.

My cellphone is ringing. Lyn is calling. I picked it up and blew some of the sand, and answered it.

“Guess, who’s with me. Turn around,” she said.

I also turned around. Turned away from the setting sun. Then I saw her, I saw Sally. My soul is singing, “Silence for my questions is here at last.”

Original address: http://www.frederickcalica.com/thoughtpatterns/2004/08/06/3/

fredc

Paolo’s Borg Day

The gang of Via-Astris staged a surprise birthday party for the main man Paolo J. last Saturday, August 7, 2004.

 

Of course (almost) everyone was there.

Borg Day was extended by the “Gerry’s crew”…

Another way of eating ice cream cones and drinking beer…

And then the day ends.

Original address: http://www.frederickcalica.com/thoughtpatterns/2004/08/11/5/

fredc

Gentle Old Man

While I was eating my breakfast at 3 pm (that is right, I just woke up at 2 pm), a funeral procession passed by, and by the look of it, it was a funeral procession for a firefighter since the coffin was on a fire truck and accompanied by the relatives and men in firefighter uniforms. It then reminds me of a boy who lost his loving old grandfather. He was a picture of bravery during the funeral but broke down when the old man was finally laid to rest in the cemetery.

The old man is the strongest, smartest, and most gentle in the eyes of the boy. The boy loved him so much, but he didn’t say that out loud to him. The old man was a farmer; if he was not on the field, he played with his grandchildren. Sometimes, the boy accompanies the farmer on the field. The most favorite thing he did was to put the fertilizer after his grandfather just plowed the ground. Then, the farmer taught him how to “drive” the cart (or what in Ilocano is called “pasagad”) by directing the cow that pulls it. It was funny because the cow went the wrong way, and the cart went off track. This may be why the boy now does not like or is afraid of driving automobiles. The boy also listens to the stories of his grandfather. Most of them were set during the Japanese occupation.

Due to old age, the farmer’s body became weak and caused some complications. The boy didn’t bother to ask what was afflicting his grandfather. The farmer lay on his bed and cannot even tend to himself. All the boy wants is that his grandfather will become well. But that didn’t happen.

The farmer passed away. The boy received the news when he arrived at school. He just sat there wishing that it was not true. During the funeral, he did not cry. He did not want to feel sad. People who knew him didn’t ask why. He was there attending to the needs of the people who paid their respects to the farmer. He just sighed and still wished that it was not true.

They had to wear white on that day when his grandfather’s body was laid to rest in the cemetery. He was with his mom during the ceremony. He saw her cry a tear that time. Although she didn’t tell him, he knew she was mourning for her father. It rained as if Heaven also cried that day. The boy finally began to cry very hard. His mom held her very tight as if she was saying that it was OK to cry. He was angry for not telling his grandfather that he loved him. He wanted to run away, but his mom was not letting him go. For the first time, he was expressing his sorrow.

Days and weeks passed, and one by one, the people were removing their “panes,” an article of clothing usually in black to express the person’s mourning. The boy wore it the longest. He removed it after a few more weeks when he thought his mourning was over. He was wrong.

The boy was me.

Original address: http://www.frederickcalica.com/thoughtpatterns/2004/08/14/7/